I had an “aha moment” this morning. And I don’t like it.
I started writing this post a few days ago. My big goal for this year to to lose weight. I weigh 109.4 kg.
I am embarrassed to admit this so publicly, but this is part of the plan I have to hold myself accountable. The shame I feel about my weight is real. As happy as I appear to be, as many jokes as I make about being fat, the many times I tell myself ”you look okay” do not translate well when you actually get real with yourself and acknowledge that you don’t like the way you look and that you cannot blame anyone for the situation you are in.
I love food. I hate exercise. I’m afraid of this journey.
There. I’ve said it. I’ve read all the literature and watched countless inspiring videos of people far larger than I am who have lost lots of weight. I’ve been looking for an easy way to do it.
There isn’t one.
But how did you get to be so fat, you wonder. I’ve never been thin. I’ve been steadily picking up weight since my teens. I’ve never been a yo-yo dieter. more of a non-dieter. I’ve over-indulged in the foods I like because I love food, cooking, experiencing new tastes and flavours. Like Mark Weins, @migrationology, I travel for food. It’s part of my love language.
Have you ever watched Rita? It’s a Danish web series on Netflix. In one episode, Hjordis, one of the teachers, realises that the young girls at the school refuse to shower because they are ashamed of exposing their bodies. At 15 years old!!
Here’s the revelation: I have never loved my body.
I did a “Money Magic” course with Donna McCallum, the Fairy Godmother (www.fairygodmotherinc.com) a few years ago. (More about that in another post). One of the first exercises on the course is to explore your relationship with money – your first encounters, what you think about money, how you treat money, etc. I highly recommend this course – it has changed my life in many ways.
My relationship with my body is the problem. In my relationships I nurture people and show them I love by treating them with kindness. I show them appreciation. I am their cheerleader. I listen to them and do things to make them feel good. I buy them gifts. I give compliments.
My poor body has been neglected by me. She’s been fat-shamed. I’ve believed what I was told about my body since I was young. “You’ve got a fat bum – cover it up”. I’ve never told her she was beautiful. I’ve never thanked her for what she enables me to do every day. She’s carried twins and another baby and wears the battle scars of stretch marks and an overhanging belly. My neglect of her is apparent in my health issues. I have an arthritic knee which causes me pain when I over-exert myself and don’t rest enough.
I’ve never been a clothes-horse. My clothing choice is almost always black – because it’s “slimming”. I never take her out and spoil her with a shopping spree. I’ve made her feel that she doesn’t deserve it, so I buy what we need, the cheaper the better.
I don’t pamper her. Lotions and potions? I do what is necessary for functionality. The basics. When I remember.
Writing this makes me feel so sad. I would never treat someone I loved this way.
So I’m starting my weight-loss journey today. It’s obviously about diet and exercising. But it will also be a mindfulness journey. I’m going to treat my faithful body better. She deserves a lot more love than I’ve been giving her.
Love and light
PS: I will be posting weekly on my progress.